The Most Mary Sueish of Mary Sues
by Ronnie Rocket
Summary: It's not easy coming up with the most Mary-Sueish Mary-Sue in the history of Mary-Sues. Or is it? Our take on how Twin Peaks' most hated resident came to terrorize the town.


**Title: **The Most Mary-Sueish of Mary-Sues

**Rating:** M (for language)

**Pairing: **N/A

**Author(s): **wonderTWINpowersACTIVATE

**Summary: **It's not easy coming up with the most Mary-Sueish Mary-Sue in the history of Mary-Sues. Or is it? Our take on how Twin Peaks' most hated resident came to terrorize the town.

**Authors' note: **For some reason, _Twin Peaks_ fans seem to hate John Justice Wheeler more than they hate Annie Blackburn. Sorry, but how is that possible? Sure, JJW is a total douchebag who wears wigs and tan jumpsuits, but Annie is just, you know, the most horrible character in the history of ever! Seriously, we hate her so much, sometimes it's difficult to put our feelings into words. First off, Heather Graham can't act her way our of a paper bag. In fact, half the time, we're convinced she's reading off of cards. But apparently Hollywood doesn't give two shits about that, because she's a household name and Sherilyn Fenn isn't, which is seriously fucked up. Grrr! Sorry, but that makes us irrationally angry. Just because Heather Graham flashed her tits in_ Boogie Nights_ doesn't mean she should be a star. Rant over.

...Or is it?

O-O-O-O

**Writer #1:** Okay, so, everybody knows Lara Flynn Boyle is an immature bitch who can't handle the thought of her boyfriend macking on a much sexier woman. So, with that in mind, I say we introduce a new love interest for Cooper. You know, because we haven't been building up to him and Audrey with the fury of a thousand suns or anything.

**Writer #2:** I think that's a great idea, [Insert name here]! After all, it's not like the fans care whether or not Cooper and Audrey get together. I mean, their budding romance is only the second-biggest plotline on the show, right?

**Writer #1:** Right! So, any ideas?

**Writer #3:** Well, how about we make the new love interest Shelly's sister or something?

**Writer #1:** I like where you're going with this, [Insert name here], but it's a bit too obvious for my taste. After all, we know literally nothing about Shelly's past, which means she could conceivably be hiding a zoo of siblings. But Norma? Now, Norma's almost indisputably an only child. I mean – hell! – do you remember when her mom came to town and nearly ruined her life? She seemed like an only child then, didn't she?

**Writer #2:** Yeah. Come to think of it, she did.

**Writer #1:** Exactly! Which is why I think it would be awesome if we gave her a little sister out of the fucking blue!

**Writer #3:** Yeah! And she could be, like, twenty years younger or something. You know, since it's hot when Agent Cooper dates young chicks. Only, not too young, like Lolita. (Beat) Wait. Did I say Lolita? I meant Audrey.

**Writer #1:** Too right you did, [Insert name here]. Now, I won't speak for anyone else, but I have the sensibilities and intelligence of a Victorian miss, so it offends me to no end that Cooper would be attracted to an eighteen-year-old girl.

**Writer #2:** Woman.

**Writer #1:** Come again?

**Writer #2:** An eighteen-year-old woman. Eighteen is the legal age of consent in the United States.

**Writer #1:** Oh. (Beat) Well, that's beside the point. Now, let's talk numbers, gentlemen! How about twenty-five? That's a good age for Cooper's new girlfriend, don't you think?

**Writer #3:** Nah. That's too old. She should be, like, twenty. That way, she's barely older than Audrey, which is hot.

**Writer #1:** You're right, [Insert name here]. That is hot. Now, what about her personality? Is she smart, sexy, funny, aloof? Just throw something out here, and we'll play hardball!

**Writer #2:** I vote smart. America loves smart women.

**Writer #1:** That they do, [Insert name here]. That. They. Do. So, we trick America into loving her by making her smart. What else?

**Writer #3:** Well, people are dumb, so they tend to like characters who come right out and deliver monologues about their likes and dislikes. We could have her say something along the lines of, "Hey, I'm whoever, and I'm a misunderstood, intelligent female with plenty of spunk and physical attractiveness. Also, people tend to think I'm weird, which is why I like trees more than humans."

**Writer #1:** Good. Good. I like where this is going. She likes trees…Cooper like trees. What else can they both like?

**Writer #2:** How about philosophy?

**Writer #1:** Philosophy? I love it! And so will Cooper. After all, his character's been dying to fuck a more annoying version of himself since the pilot episode, wouldn't you agree?

**Writer #3:** Oh, most definitely!

**Writer #1:** Okay, so she's smart, young, and loves philosophy…

**Writer #2:** Also trees!

**Writer #1: **That's right. Also trees. (Beat) I don't know. I still feel like something's missing.

**Writer #3:** Well, how about she's quirky?

**Writer #2:** And a nun!

**Writer #1:** Oh my God, a quirky nun! I love it so much, I can barely breathe! (Beat) Gentlemen, you've really outdone yourselves this time. I mean, America's been waiting for someone to fill the quirky nun void since _The Flying Nun_ was cancelled back in 1970!

**Writer #4:** Hold up. Don't you think people will be annoyed by the introduction of such a patronizing character?

**Writer #1:** Who let you in?

**Writer #4: **I work here.

**Writer #1:** Oh. (Beat) Carry on, then.

**Writer #4:** I don't know. I just feel like America doesn't think very highly of Mary-Sues, that's all.

**Writer #2:** Her name's not Mary-Sue. It's Annie Blackburn.

**Writer #4:** That's not what I…Look, her name's got nothing to do with it. (Beat) You see, Mary-Sue is a term for a character with overly idealized and hackneyed mannerisms who lacks noteworthy flaws and functions primarily as a wish-fulfillment fantasy.

**Writer #1: **Sounds good to me!

**Writer #4:** Fuck you. I quit.

O-O-O-O

**A/N: **Well, that was therapeutic. Thanks to the magic of fanfic, everyone is entitled to our opinion. If, for some reason, you agree with said opinion, drop us a line. After all, we love chatting with other _Twin Peaks_ fans…especially if those fans hate Annie Blackburn even half as much as we do.

**wonderTWINpowersACTIVATE **


End file.
